


long live the walls we crashed through

by panlesters



Series: pff bingo 2019 [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Basically im gay, Introspection, M/M, References to Homophobia, fellas is it ok to post 2 bingo prompts in one day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-24 09:00:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20703356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: the little victories are important.written for the bingo prompt "basically im gay"





	long live the walls we crashed through

**Author's Note:**

> it's 11.30 pm and im emo so here's another fic i guess   
idk where this wave of productivity came from but you can fully blame the existential crisis phannies gc for saying something about this song,, what was i supposed to do, just not listen to it?   
anyway enjoy 
> 
> title from long live by taylor swift

It's really strange for Dan to think about the victories. He had to go back and relive all the bullying for his video, but with it came the triumphs. 

The year of 2009, when he finally managed to be himself. Maybe he didn't go about it in the safest way possible, but it felt like healing and it felt like growing. 

It was a different kind of growing when it came to Phil. The people before Phil were just one-time hook-ups, people who knew his name and nothing about him. Maybe he'd told them he was bi, if he felt like he had to prove he wasn't just a straight guy looking to experiment. 

He remembers the night he sat on Phil's bed, breathing heavily and looking down at his hands as he nervously said to Phil, "you know, I think I really might be gay. Like, fully gay." He remembers the shaky breath he'd let out, and how he'd barely had time to inhale again before Phil had tackled him to his bed to cover his face in kisses. 

It's always been Phil. Every victory, he got alongside Phil. He was welcomed into the Lesters' house as a _boyfriend_, and he was treated like a _son_, even when they knew his secret. Every time Kath called him "love" and Nigel called him "son", he felt healing, deep in his bones. It wasn't perfect, and it didn't fix his issues. But they were little victories, and they were important. 

He thinks, now, stood in front of a camera, talking through his trauma, about how this too is a victory. He gets to share his story. He gets to tell people that he was pushed to the ground but he_ got the fuck back up_, he found people who made him feel safe and wanted, and people who made him want to be true to who he was. 

He gets to tell people that he met the love of his life, the light in the darkness. He gets to tell the world, on _camera_, that Phil is his soulmate. It's the truth. It's the beautiful, cheesy, obnoxious truth, and he thinks he'll cringe if he doesn't mention that souls aren't real. 

There's something incredible about using words that used to carry so much weight, to carry the beautiful truth. He's _gay_. He's _queer_, he_ loves boys_, and he loves one boy in particular, and no one can take that away from him. 

He thinks about the bullies as he looks into the camera. He thinks about all the fights, all the times he didn't fight back, all the times he tried to ignore the words. He thinks about the dark time, and he thinks about the light time. 

And he says it. 

"I'm gay." 

It's a weight off his shoulders, in a strange way. He's said it a lot of times. Maybe it's because the world is going to know. He gets to walk down the street and hold his partner's hand because no one can hold it against him any more. He can kiss his boyfriend's cheek in a restaurant with his friends because they all know now. He can take Phil home and tell his mother and grandma, "this is Phil, my boyfriend", just like he dreamed for the last ten years. It's not out of reach any more. And that's incredible. 

It's a world he thought was just a dream. A dream he always assumed was out of reach. But it's not even a case of reaching out and touching any more. He's surrounded by this world of freedom and expression and love. He can't believe how lucky he is to be in this timeline. 

He's not past resenting the people who hurt him as a child. He's not sure he ever will be, and he's at peace with that fact. But he's past resenting himself for who he is, and he loves the feeling of triumph every time he remembers that he loves who he is, in spite of the negativity that was beaten into him all those years ago. 

No one can tell him who to be any more. No one can tell him what's good and what's bad. There's no need to hide behind fake labels. He loves this part of himself, and the person he's grateful to for that fact is himself.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


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